Let’s Get Rid of Trick or Treat!

trickortreatPAIDThe last twenty years or so have given us many new insights into child development and what is required for optimal brain wiring.  Neuroscience and social research are showing us that a secure attachment and the quality of the parent-child relationship are what influence our child’s behavior the most.

Armed with research findings that favor relationship-building over behavior modification, many parents are veering away from using “tricks” (punishments) and “treats” (rewards) to discipline children.  After all, discipline means to teach—not to coerce with punishment or to convince with rewards.

In fact, “tricks” or “treats” override children’s natural willingness to do what’s right based on intrinsic learning and instead, motivate them to “behave” based on extrinsic motivations–to avoid punishment or to receive a reward.  While it may “work” in the short term to get you the desired behavior, it will not teach your child to go inside and decide for himself what is right or wrong.  Disciplining our children in a way that nurtures their self-discipline will pay off in the long run when they are teenagers and we’re not around to put them in time-out or present them with a sticker for their sticker chart!

But how is it possible to discipline without punishment or reward?  Won’t kids run wild and play with matches and kill each other?  I’m not saying children don’t need limits.  They do.  But setting loving limits and letting your child feel the feelings that come when they bump up against them is not the same thing as punishment.

Punishment is time-out (sending into isolation), or taking away privileges, or spanking.  Discipline is setting limits, holding those limits, and letting natural consequences teach the child. It’s viewing behavior as communication and using dialogue to dig for what’s under the behavior.  What is your child communicating?  What does she need?  It’s talking it through, putting the issue on the agenda for the weekly family meeting, and collaboratively problem-solving together.  It is teaching, which is mostly with words and always through modeling.

With our gentle guidance, we can help our children develop their own moral compass and regulate their impulses and behavior.  It takes time.  After all, they’re just kids.  They’re learning. When we give up the tricks and treats and use discipline to teach our kids, we invest in building a relationship based on trust and mutual respect.  As they grow older and our influence pales in comparison to the influence of their peers, this relationship becomes uber important. When we honor the natural growth in our children as their conscience develops from the inside out, they are able to make better choices, even when no one is looking.

(For a deeper understanding of how to discipline without punishment or reward with lots of concrete examples, I recommend No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind and/or The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind…both by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson.)

The Best Gift to Give Your Kids

mom and daughter playing PAIDWhen you were little and the teacher asked what you wanted to be when you grew up, you surely didn’t answer “overwhelmed,” or “frustrated,” or “miserable!”  But these are the words that come up in my parenting classes when parents talk about their daily lives.

Of course, there are happy connecting moments as well, but the day-to-day grind of parenting can create a negative mood in the family that becomes habitual. If you have started to dread, more than you enjoy, your interactions with your children, then I invite you to consider this idea:  you have more choice between feeling miserable or feeling happy than you think…and it starts with your brain.

Emerging research shows that the brain is not as hard-wired as previously thought. We can learn to be happier. In fact, one of the most popular classes at Harvard University (taught by Dr. Ben-Shahar, author of Happier: Learn the Secrets to Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment) is a Positive Psychology course in which students learn to train their brains to cultivate more happiness.  The underlying premise of positive psychology is that you can learn to be happier just as you can learn to solve math problems or to be proficient at a sport.

Your happiness is one of the best gifts you can give your children.
When parents are asked, “What do you want for your children?” one of the most common replies is, “I want my child to be happy.”  Well, where do you think they learn to be happy?  From watching you!  That’s why in her book Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents, Christine Carter’s Step #1 is…Get Happy Yourself.  She even cites studies that indicate how happy you are dramatically affects how happy and successful your kids are.

It’s worth the effort to raise your happiness quotient because it will impact your entire family.  If you’d like to train your brain for happiness, consider these ideas:

Decide that you want to be happier. When you make that decision, you start to notice choices for happiness that you may have missed before. Those choices may be small, such as lying down for 10 minutes when you’re tired rather than powering through a task, but you start to create an awareness and habit of seeking happiness that grows.

Acknowledge your feelings. When you feel overwhelmed or distressed, don’t make it worse by beating yourself up for being upset.  When you invite those feelings into your awareness and give them respect and attention, they usually begin to shift on their own, and you start to feel better.

Fake it till you make it.
 Ask yourself, how would a happy person act?  How would they walk? What would they say in this instance?  What would their face look like?  And then act, walk, talk and look like that.  Your mind takes cues from your body.  It’s hard to be upset when you’re walking with a spring in your step, whistling, with a smile on your face!  When you “act like a happy person” you’re laying down new neural connections that make it easier to tap into genuine happiness.

Celebrate success. Whether it’s the achievement of getting out the door on time this morning or a weekend when your children got along, take in the accomplishment, and give yourself and your children a pat on the back.

Seek meaning.
Happiness comes from doing something that gives us pleasure and meaning. If you’re short on pleasure and meaning in your life, find something to fill those needs. It could be a hobby, volunteering, taking a course, or allowing time to read a book or cook something tasty.

Express gratitude. Notice and be grateful for everything that makes your day better, from your child’s quick hug to your morning latte.  (I admit I get carried away with gratitude.  I’ve been known to express gratitude to my washer, dryer, dishwasher and other kitchen appliances.  But I am so grateful for the ease these items bring to my life!)

As you practice happiness and make it a habit, you’ll find yourself in a lovely upward spiral that will support you through challenging times. As Dr. Ben-Shahar writes in his book, “Happiness is not an end state, but rather something you work towards your whole life.  Thus, you can be happier each day.  Happiness is a journey, not a destination.”

Let my love give you roots…and help you find your wings

son flying PAIDWell, it’s official.  I’m an “empty-nester” now.  There have been a few tears, there have been a few lonely mornings drinking my smoothie alone, and there is now a spotless breakfast nook without books, backpacks, homework papers, lunchboxes, and random socks lying around!

It seems surreal to think back to when my boys were little and running around like wild monkey weasels (my husband’s term for them) and the only way I could steal 10 minutes of me-time was to take my time in the bathroom.  Now the minutes d-r-a-g by even as I enjoy my newfound freedom to focus on what I enjoy doing the most–helping families to thrive.   This……my friends……is going to take some time getting used to.

So I’ve been listening to sappy songs, and looking at old photos, and cherishing the memories of witnessing two little boys grow into two fine young men.  My hope is that my love has given them roots and now they will find their wings.

Here’s one of the sappy songs, if you want to get teary-eyed too thinking about when your babies will fly away…….

Find Your Wings
(by Mark Harris)

It’s only for a moment you are mine to hold
The plans that heaven has for you
Will all too soon unfold
So many different prayers I’ll pray
For all that you might do
But most of all I’ll want to know
You’re walking in the truth
And If I never told you
I want you to know
As I watch you grow

I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I’m here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings

May passion be the wind
That leads you through your days
And may conviction keep you strong
Guide you on your way
May there be many moments
That make your life so sweet
Oh, but more than memories

I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I’m here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings

It’s not living if you don’t reach for the sky
I’ll have tears as you take off
But I’ll cheer as you fly

 

♥♥♥ LOVE IN ACTION ♥♥♥

Stop right now for a few moments and think about how you are providing roots for your child.  What specifically do you do to make them feel “firmly planted?”  To feel secure and trusting enough to rest in your love?
[The developmental psychologist Gordon Neufeld says “the provision must be greater than the pursuit.”  In other words, you need to give your kids more love than they are seeking in order for them to be able to relax and rest in that love.]

 

“If you live long enough…”

mom and teen PDOne of my favorite sayings from my friend Faye is “If you live long enough…”  I can’t tell you how many times this phrase has helped me to re-evaluate my perspective and take a longer view of my parenting.

When we’re in the midst of the day to day challenges of parenting, it can seem like every undesirable behavior is an indication of a dire future for our child. If she fights with her younger sibling or if she is unwilling to share with her friends, it means she will live a life of social isolation and failed relationships…or  we will be viewed as incompetent parents and shunned from our communities.  If our teen sleeps until noon on weekends or defies the curfew agreement, it means he will never be able to hold a job and will have trouble following rules out there in the “real world.”  Our minds can come up with some doozies of worst case scenarios and we wind up using parenting strategies that are based on fear rather than love.

It’s good to have a friend like Faye (as a grandmother, she’s “been there/done that”) to remind you: You know what?  “If you live long enough…” you’ll find that most of your worries about the future never pan out and most things work out satisfactorily in the long run.

We sometimes think we have to directly “teach” our children values and good character traits.  When really they come into this world hardwired to develop toward thriving and belonging.  We just have to prepare the soil and water those seeds in them.  They’re already there.  We really don’t have to “teach” them that much. We just have to provide the environment and the nurturance for them to blossom into who they already are naturally becoming.

So when my friend Faye says, “If you live long enough…,” it means if you prepare the soil, give it lots of attention and love, the seeds will blossom eventually in their own time

Some of you may be like I was and want your child to be a “mini-me.”  To handle situations the way you would handle them, to think about things the way you would think about them, and to act the way you would act.  What I’ve come to believe is my most important job as a parent is to love and accept my child as he is and encourage him to grow into who he is becoming…rather than grooming him to be a mini-me.  This is really hard sometimes, especially if your child starts to go in a very different direction.  But “if you live long enough…

Last night my older son came in from college for a visit and we went to eat breakfast this morning.  On the way out of the restaurant I was walking in front of him and I pushed my way through the exit door.  Then I heard my son behind me say, “Mom, wait!  I’d like to open the door for you but you’re walking way too fast.”  I had to smile, remembering the many years I tried and failed (so I thought) to “teach” him the gentlemanly act of opening doors for ladies.  Growing up, he refused to do it or did it with a lot of grumbling and resented it being expected of him.  Since I managed to get through those years by picking my battles, the gentlemanly opening of doors didn’t make the battle list and I let it go.

But I’ve lived long enough and …. He got it!  In his own time.  In his own way.

If I could give you the perfect gift it would be to give you…a friend like Faye.  Someone who invites you to take a “reality check.”  Someone who has gone before and can lead the way through the jungle of parenting with confidence and assurance.   Everyone needs a friend like Faye when they’re in the thick and thin of it, when it’s hard to see the forest for the trees.  Everyone needs a reminder of the natural unfolding of things…of the way time itself takes care of many imagined problems…”if you live long enough.”

♥♥♥ LOVE IN ACTION ♥♥♥

What is it about your kids that you’re afraid that if you don’t “nip it in the bud” now that they will turn out irreparably damaged?  Whatever it is, I encourage you to expand your view and take a longer perspective. If they are resisting, and you fight hard to “teach” your value or your expectation, I predict your efforts will backfire.

I invite you bring some acceptance around it, knowing that if you consistently model the value that is important to you, your child is likely to learn the value on her own, in her own time.  See if you can model and encourage the value without it becoming a demand.  Prepare the soil, water the seed, and sit back patiently to watch it bloom.

 

Summer Family Vacations — what to do with all that togetherness!

vacation PAIDSummer vacations with the family can be the best of times or the worst of times. Confining airplanes or exhausting hours together in the car, boring hotel rooms or funky cabins on muddy lakes and six straight days of rain – family vacations can make you wish you had chosen a “staycation” instead!

On the other hand, exploring new places together, sharing leisurely time and goofing-off for days at a stretch, meeting new people or reuniting with loving relatives – family vacations can be the best thing since summers were invented.

If you’d like to have more of the best of times and less of the worst, here’s 5 tips to increase your odds:

  1. First of all, watch out for great expectations. Your own and the kids’. Enjoy the surprise of the vacation as it unfolds. This doesn’t mean don’t make plans. By all means, do make plans. And include everyone in the planning. Maps, brochures, photographs, share them all beforehand so that everyone knows what’s possible. Make check-lists, too, with responsibilities for everyone. And then hold those plans lightly so that unexpected adventures and spontaneous fun can be part of the mix too.
  1. Allow plenty of time, don’t jam-pack days or crowd too much into the trip. If you’re traveling with young children or toddlers, take short jumps instead of long leaps. If you’re driving, stop often, get out and stretch, move around. Consider picnics instead of restaurant meals.
  1. Keep it simple. Don’t schedule so many activities that there’s no time for just hanging out. Build in rest-time, too. Tempers have a tendency to flare when everyone’s packed together day and night for long stretches of time. Create alone time, for you and the children. Everyone needs recharging. Remember, both boredom and over-stimulation can result in acting out–so strive for balance.
  1. Keep a log or scrapbook to record your family vacations and take it along with you on each trip.  You can spend a few minutes at the end of each day recapping that day’s adventures and toss in any momentos, like ticket stubs, photos, tic-tac-toe games and pressed flowers.  Believe me, the few minutes you take to record your impressions while they are fresh will gift you with cherished (and detailed) memories when your kids are grown.
  2. Be sure and allow a day or two for re-entry before you go back to work and the children return to their summer routine. Coming home can be as stressful as leaving. Plan some space for a relaxing re-entry and make homecoming part of the vacation, too.
Author’s content used under license, © Claire Communications

Are you asking the right questions?

question markSometimes in order to get the most meaningful answers, you need to ask the right questions.

You know how you usually have an annual review at work and basically your boss gives you feedback about what’s working and what’s not working regarding your performance?  In the right frame of mind you can use this feedback to modify how you’re doing things so that your performance is more in line with what’s expected and needed on the job.

You can use this same approach to gather feedback about how you’re doing as a parent.  And who better to ask than…your kids?  They are the ones who are living day in and day out with your expectations, your triggers, your reactions, your nurturing, and your ways of giving and receiving love.

Over the years I’ve found some questions that have been helpful to me as a parent to glean what it is exactly that I do to help my children thrive and feel loved and what it is I do to make them feel less than that. Their answers over the years have been useful information to help shape my parenting style. And just asking the questions lets them know that they matter. That their input is a part of the relationship equation and that I want to learn and grow in my role as their mother.

Some of these questions came from reading Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life and Pam Leo’s Connection Parenting and some are my own as I delved deeper into what was working and what needed improvement in building my relationship with my sons.

Questions for the Kids:

1.  How did I make your life more wonderful today?
2.  How did I make your life less than wonderful today?
3.  What made you feel loved today?
4.  What do you like most about me?
5.  What do you like most about yourself?
6.  What do you like most about your brother? (asked in the presence of each other)
7.  What is your growing edge? (What do you need to work on yourself?)
8.  What do you see as my growing edge? (What do you think I need to work on?)

The secret is to be completely open to whatever answer your child gives. There are no right or wrong answers….just good useful information. This is not a time to get defensive or convey a lesson. Ask with a curious mind and an open heart. Then use the information to celebrate the little things that lead to closeness between you and your child and to repair any ruptures in the relationship.  Ask often and savor the precious moments of connection.

♥♥♥ LOVE IN ACTION ♥♥♥

Ask your child one or two of these questions every night this week and be open to receive the answers. Thank your child for sharing his or her thoughts with you, then use the information you hear to make adjustments in how you interact with your child.

Listen earnestly to anything [your children] want to tell you, no matter what. If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.” (Catherine M. Wallace, author)

 

 

Raising Compassionate Kids

girl and kitten PAIDHow to raise kids who are kind and considerate is a hot topic these days. With so much bullying happening in the world, both in schools and via the Internet, it seems more important than ever to raise kids who can be thoughtful and empathetic towards other people.

Children have an inborn capacity for compassion. Although you can take steps to raise a compassionate child who is kind to others yet strong enough to stand up to hurtful words and actions when necessary, the most important thing to remember is that children may listen to what we say, but they model themselves on how we behave. This means that if you practice and demonstrate compassion (with yourself, your child and the other people in your world), your child is very likely to emulate that behavior.

Here are some ideas to help you integrate compassion into your everyday life in ways that you can share with your child:

Volunteer. Show your child that all people deserve kindness by serving together at a soup kitchen or volunteering with Habitat for Humanity. Let your child choose a volunteer activity that builds on interests they already have (for instance, the Humane Society if they love animals or reading aloud to the blind if they love to read).

***If you live in the Atlanta/Dunwoody area, check out The Packaged Good, where you and your kids can decorate and personalize care packages and create craft projects for people in need.

Get a pet or a small plot of dirt to cultivate. When a child is invested in the care of another living thing, they learn about nurturing themselves and others and are less likely to engage in bullying. And most pets and plants require time outdoors, so you’ll both get a good dose of fresh air!

Practice listening and allow feelings. I always tell parents that only a “hurting” child hurts others. When your child is hurting, instead of responses like “keep your chin up” or “big boys don’t cry,” invite your child to share his or her feelings. Particularly with younger children, hug them to provide soothing reassurance that it’s okay to experience and express feelings of distress. When you help them heal their hurts by allowing them to fully express their feelings, it will be easier for them to listen to others with an open and compassionate heart.

Limit time with video games and television showsespecially those with even mild violence. Numerous studies have shown that media violence promotes aggression and desensitizes kids to the consequences of violent behavior.

Experience a neighborhood or part of town (or even another country) very different from your own.  Try a restaurant in a different neighborhood or take in a festival where people have a different culture, language and music. Experiencing diversity shows a child that differences can be both interesting and fun!

Activities that promote compassion mean you’ll be bonding with your child in ways you can both feel good about. In addition, activities like volunteering or growing a garden serve another purpose–they remind both of you that you have something valuable to offer the world. Your child’s growing self-respect can help turn the tide of bullying and the devastating effect that this has on children’s lives.

♥♥♥ LOVE IN ACTION ♥♥♥ 

Choose one of the activities above and implement it this week. Then keep adding to your “active compassion” list as you become more and more intentional about modeling compassion and kindness.  Remember, your kids are watching you!

“We must become the people we want our children to be.”  Joseph Chilton Pearce

Author’s content used under license, © Claire Communications

10% is Enough

mom pulling hairWhen I first started teaching parenting classes back in 2005 I once told my class about an incident that had just happened where I yelled at my child.  I remember several people gasped and they all exchanged looks. Then one person asked, “You mean you yell?”  Another added, “At your child?”

I was equally bewildered by their bewilderment.  And then it hit me…they think I’m on the “other side” of this parenting stuff … somehow they’ve gotten the impression that I’ve graduated…that I’ve arrived…that I’ve reached perfect parenting nirvana and bliss. This was a disconcerting thought because, in reality, nothing could be further from the truth!

Oh!  Wow!,” I exclaimed, “I hope I haven’t misled you into thinking that I don’t do all these things that we’ve been talking about…the things you are trying to change and improve.  I’m right there with you!  I’m teaching this because I need to learn it myself.”

Then, as I watched those words sink in for them, for a moment it entered my mind that this was the beginning of the end of parenting classes for me. I had just let the cat out of the bag and now the word would get out that I yelled at my own children, and no one would want to come to my parenting classes.  What could I possibly teach anyone about parenting when I didn’t have my own parenting act together?

Thankfully, after I was knocked clean off that perfect parenting pedestal (thank God!), the parents expressed relief. I went from being the “parenting expert” to a “mom” who was struggling with the same issues that they were struggling with…and who was able to apply what I was teaching to my own parenting around 10% of the time (yeah, I got a little crazy with my confessions).  My willingness to be vulnerable and “let it all hang out” put us on equal ground and created emotional safety where we could openly share what was really going on in our families, the guilt (and sometimes shame) we felt around our parenting, and the hope that we still had time to get it right…or at least to get it good enough.

Fast forward 12 years and I’ll tell you 10 things I’ve learned about the parenting paradigm I teach–even if you can only apply the concepts 10% of the time:

  • 10% of conscious intentional parenting is better than 90% of fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants parenting.
  • 10% of focused attention on your relationship with your child is better than 90% of focused attention on “behavior issues.”
  • 10% of striving to connect and understand is better than 90% of attempting to correct, convince, cajole or coerce.
  • 10% of parent “time-ins” is better than 90% of child “time-outs.”
  • 10% of quality engaging time with your child is better than 90% of stressed-out distracted time with your child.
  • 10% of listening is better than 90% of lecturing.
  • 10% of setting loving limits is better than 90% of issuing threats, punishments or bribes.
  • 10% of changing ourselves is better than 90% of trying to change our children.
  • 10% of unconditional love is better than 90% of love with conditions.
  • 10% of honest imperfect parenting is better than 90% of false unattainable perfect parenting.

It’s been quite a journey since that parenting class when I confessed to my own imperfect parenting. After over a decade of studying, practicing and teaching conscious forms of parenting, I may be up to applying it 25% of the time in the heat of the moment….and that’s on a good day.

But now I know that’s more than enough!

I’ll leave you with these words from Brené Brown, about imperfect parenting as a gift:

        “The practice of framing mothers and fathers as good or bad is both rampant and corrosive.  It turns parenting into a shame minefield.  The real questions for parents should be, “Are you engaged?  Are you paying attention?”  If so, plan to make lots of mistakes and bad decisions.
         Imperfect parenting moments turn into gifts as our children watch us try to figure out what went wrong and how we can do better next time.  The mandate is not ‘be perfect and raise happy children.’  Perfection doesn’t exist and I found that what makes children happy doesn’t always prepare them to be courageous, engaged adults.”
        — Brené Brown, Daring Greatly

♥♥♥ LOVE IN ACTION ♥♥♥

Invite yourself to a nice cup of tea and sit down and ask yourself these questions:

  • In what areas do I try to edit the version of my family that I present to the world?
  • In what ways am I afraid of being judged by other parents?
  • Do I ever judge other parents based on how their children act, look, or sound?
  • Do I put pressure on my kids to be, act, look, and sound perfect so that I look good as a parent?
  • What part of my authentic self am I afraid to show to others?
  • What would be the worst thing that could happen if I revealed this part of me?

Based on your reflections, decide if there’s room to practice more authenticity and vulnerability in your life.

Growing Yourself as a Parent

mom and girl PAID“Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.”   -Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince
Imagine a baby shower where the guests bring a special kind of gift for the new parents.
Not baby clothes. Not strollers or cribs. Not even a single book on child-rearing.
The gifts for the new parents? Self-awareness, self-love and self-growth as a person, as well as a parent.
The best parenting requires that we not only work to nurture and care for our children but that we nurture and care for ourselves.
Parenting is one of the–if not the–most challenging jobs on the planet. There is the awesome responsibility of raising and guiding another human being, of course. But it’s the daily interactions between children and parents that can require almost super-human amounts of flexibility, patience and awareness. All the experts and all the books aren’t there when it’s your toddler who won’t nap, your child who grabbed the toy out of his friend’s hand, your depressed teen who is desperately searching for answers, your adult child who can’t hold down a job.
Successful–even joyful–parenting is about listening to ourselves as well as listening to our children. It’s a self-awareness approach that brings the focus back to what we are feeling and needing, so that we don’t unthinkingly rain anger and fear down upon our children. Being aware of ourselves helps us develop a strong “inner authority” or an intuitive sense of knowing what is best for us and our children in any moment. (As well as accepting that sometimes we really don’t know yet!)
“We guide (our children) not because they have basically shabby motives, but because they lack the one strength most of us have: awareness of the world,” write authors Hugh and Gayle Prather in their book, Spiritual Parenting: A Guide to Understanding and Nurturing the Heart in Your Child.
Their book calls parenting a spiritual path that helps us grow as people while we are helping our children grow into adults. Our children challenge us and if we can truly listen, we can grow.
One of the first challenges is to understand that old patterns–often formed in our own childhoods–can often rule our behavior as parents right now. For example, if our own parents tried to fix everything that went wrong, we may try to do the same with our children. But our children may need us just to listen to their fears and not jump in with our own fears and try to “fix” it all.
In the process, we allow our kids to make mistakes, and that means we can, too. And if we can forgive our kids and accept them in all their flawed glory, it can’t be too big a jump to do this for ourselves.
As author Joyce Maynard writes, “It’s not only children who grow. Parents do, too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it myself.”

 

♥♥♥ LOVE IN ACTION ♥♥♥
Spend time reflecting on your own childhood and how you were raised as a child.  Make two lists: what you want to do the same way as your parents did it…and what you want to do differently.  Pick one of the things you want to do differently, and over the next week, make a conscious effort to pause…and choose your new way.

Do you have a “NO” default?

mom thumbs downOne of the best pieces of advice I received when my kids were very young, was to be aware of how many times I said “no” and consider if I could say “yes” instead. This is actually sound advice given that the average child in America hears “no” 80 times for every 1 “yes.” Can you imagine if the bigger, more powerful people at your workplace or in your life said “no” to your requests and your actions that much in a day?! Would you be able to thrive in that environment?

When I became conscious of my extreme overuse of the word “no” I did an about face and became very good at opening up to “yes” instead. I believe it made a tremendous impact on my relationship with my children. Not only because my kids developed a deep sense that they mattered; but also because I felt better as a mom when I went through my days saying more of “yes, of course” to their requests…that is, unless I had a good reason to say “no.”

I don’t think we intentionally seek to thwart our kids’ wishes and wants, but somehow “no” becomes our default answer.

No you can’t go out and play; it’s wet. No, don’t touch that! No, you can’t bring that bug in the house. No we can’t go to the park right now. No you can’t have a cookie before dinner. No it’s not a good time to have your friend over.

What if we became aware of this “no” default and instead considered and weighed each request on its own merit? Could we change some of those no’s into heartfelt yes’s?

Yes, what a great idea! Let’s go outside with our boots and splash in puddles. Yes, you can pick an item from my basket to play with, but that item is fragile and might break; here do you want to play with this cool thingie instead? Yes, let me get a jar and you can show that bug to your friend when she comes over.

Could we invite in more positive “yes” energy, even if we felt the need to attach conditions to it?

Yes, of course we can go to the park–right after we finish cleaning up the toys. Yes, of course you can have a cookie–just as soon as we eat our yummy dinner. Yes, of course you can have a friend over–after homework is done.

Imagine the energy shift in your home…from negative to positive…if you shift to a new default of “yes, of course…”  Not that you won’t ever say “no,” but you just become more discerning and purposeful with it.

Instead of defaulting to “no” unless you have a reason to say “yes,” switch to defaulting to “yes” unless you have a reason to say “no.”

You and your kids will feel more expansive, connected, and alive…because “no” shuts us down and “yes” opens us up.

♥♥♥ LOVE IN ACTION ♥♥♥

Want to give it a try and shift the energy in your home from negative to positive?  Start with these simple steps:

  1. Become aware of how often you say “no” to your child.  Keep a count in your head and record it in a journal every night before you go to bed. As your awareness increases, does the number decrease?
  2. Set the intention every morning to say “yes” to your child at least 5 times during the day.
  3. Think of one thing this week that you’ve been putting off for yourself.  Perhaps you’ve told yourself you don’t have the money, or the time, or the energy.  Say “yes” to one thing for yourself and get the positive energy flowing in you.

“I imagine that yes is the only living thing.” – e. e. cummings