He sits at the kitchen table patiently waiting for the pureed beets, pureed beans, and mashed potatoes. As he takes a bite, some juice dribbles down his chin and drops onto the bib around his neck, but he doesn’t notice. He is intently focused on getting the baby spoon to his mouth, moving the food around with his tongue, and swallowing.

Sixteen years ago, this was my son learning to feed himself. Today, it’s my dad who is re-learning how to swallow as he recovers from a stroke that tragically altered his brain (and his life!) two months ago.

As I sit there with him, encouraging him to tilt his chin as he swallows so that the food goes down the right “pipe,” I’m reminded of how my life has come full circle in caring for those most precious to me. I’m finding that the words and actions I used with my children to help them navigate the “bumps in the road” of life are coming back to me to support my dad in this new phase of his life.  I’m noticing the many parallels between caring for young children and caring for elderly parents.

 Once my son fell on some sharp rocks and got a big gash in his scalp. There was a lot of blood and the emergency room doctor tried to convince me to stay in the waiting room while they stitched him up. I refused. “I’m not a wimp!” I told the doctor, “I’m not afraid of blood. I’m going in with him.” I couldn’t bear the thought of my child facing that needle and sutures without me by his side. “Mommy’s here. It’s going to be okay,” I told him as I held his hand.

In March I was by my father’s side when he had to decide whether or not to receive a stomach tube for feeding.  A procedure that would prolong his life, but also significantly decrease the quality of it, especially if he could never swallow again. “I know this is a hard decision,” I told him. “And we’ll support you no matter what you decide. I know this must be scary. I’m right here. Everything is going to be okay.”

 Isn’t that what everyone wants? Young and old alike? For someone to hold your hand through the hard times. To know that someone is watching out for you. Everything is going to be okay.

 My father was moved to a skilled nursing facility last week…and so was my mother (because he was her caregiver before the stroke). I’m learning to be an advocate for their care just as I was an advocate for my son who was on steroids much of his infancy due to wheezing. The pediatrician said, “Get used to it. He’s going to be an asthmatic kid.” I said, “I will not get used to it” and began my research which led me to a naturopath who “cured” his wheezing.

 In the nursing home, I advocate to make sure my dad is encouraged to eat more (he’s lost so much weight!) and to make sure the call button is positioned in the same place each time they make his bed (because he’s blind and needs to feel around for it). I’m on it when I hear it took too long to assist my mom to the bathroom or that her sponge bath water was cold. I speak for them because right now they need someone looking out for them. Because I love them and want the best care for them.

 So many qualities I cultivated while raising my children–patience, understanding, listening, empathic presence–are coming in handy as I support my dad and mom in adjusting to their new lives. Gratefully, the work I’ve done to grow my consciousness and skills in order to become a better parent is helping me be a better daughter too.

♥♥♥ LOVE IN ACTION ♥♥♥

Reflect on how the consciousness and skills you are building for your parenting role carry over into other areas of your life.  Are you getting better at listening to your co-workers?  or (after counting to three) do you have a sliver of curiosity and compassion for the person who cut you off in traffic?  Can you push the “pause” button when your partner says something that triggers you and step outside of your habitual reaction and choose a thoughtful response instead?  One that is more likely to lead to connection rather than further disconnection?

 You put so much effort into being the best parent you can be.  Get the most mileage out of your growing consciousness and skills by applying them to everyone everywhere!

 “Until he extends his circle of compassion to include all living things, man will not himself find peace.”  (Albert Schweitzer, Nobel Peace Prize Winner)

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You probably remember the story in the bible where the foolish man builds his house on the sand and when the storms come and the rivers rise, the house is washed away. The wise man builds his house on solid rock and when the storms come, the house stands firm and unshakable. 

 When we are building our “house of love,” which is the environment we create to house our children’s spirits, we would do well to consider whether we are building the foundation on shifting sand or solid rock. 

 Our relationship with our child is the foundation upon which all else depends. If the parent-child bond is strong and secure, then the foundation will be sturdy and we will be able to weather the many storms that come our way. If the relationship is weak and the parent-child bond is eroded, then we may be in trouble when the storms come. Often, we don’t see the stormclouds on the horizon and we squander the time we could be working to build a strong foundation until it is too late.  Or, we find that it’s so much easier to dig in the sandy soil; why take the time and hard work to dig into hard rock?

But trust me, the time and effort you put into building a strong relationship today will be worth it in the teenage years! That is when you may find that the tools and techniques you have come to rely on in the younger years don’t work so well anymore.  And if you’re not in “right” relationship with your child, it doesn’t matter how many tools and skills you’ve managed to acquire as a parent, tools and skills alone will not solve your problems and conflicts.  In fact, they will start to backfire.

So if you’ve become caught up in what to “do” in order to get your kids to listen to you or to behave better, I encourage you to shift your focus from controlling behavior to building the relationship.  The time you spend building connection, respect, and trust with your child will actually allow you to pull out those tools less often and use them sparingly. 

I know it’s hard to see how you can possibly find the time to work on relationship when you’re in the midst of the day in and day out frenetic pace of family life.  It seems much easier and more efficient to use the tools that get immediate compliance so you can get out the door, or you can cook dinner in peace.  But taking the time to strengthen the bond between you and your child will actually get you much the same results and will also bring the joy back into parenting. Think of it this way:  you can spend time one way or the other–”being” with your child in a loving, connecting way (which will decrease the acting out behaviors) or “doing” something to get your kid to behave (when he’s acting out his need for connection).  Either way, you’re going to spend the time.

How do you want to spend your time with your child?  Getting easier compliance momentarily on shifting sand? or building a lasting relationship on solid rock?

♥♥♥ LOVE IN ACTION ♥♥♥

Spend at least 10 minutes every day with each child one-on-one.  Turn off your phone, turn off the stove, and get down eyeball to eyeball with your child and have fun!  I know a lot of parents use this special time at bedtime to read and cuddle and calm.  I invite you to also consider building in this special time at the pressure-cooker points in your day when there seems to be the most tension.  For lots of families this is in the morning and the “bewitching” hour around dinnertime. You can do a lot to prevent those meltdowns by proactively spending quality connecting time with each child before the bewitching hour!  Get up a little earlier and build in 10 minutes of play time, whether that’s playing I Spy, or racing cars, or having a tea party for breakfast.  Before you begin cooking dinner, spend 10 minutes to build a fort or play chase in the yard.  Proactive parenting is so much more enjoyable than reactive parenting!

 “It is not so much what we do, but rather WHO WE ARE to our children that matters most.”  (Dr. Gordon Neufeld, author of Hold on to Your Kids)

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Tell me, what does cooperation mean to you?  It’s a word I hear often from parents and it appears to be a very important quality that we desire from our children.  Picture for a moment the many needs met when you have cooperation at home:  needs met might include ease, support, calm, peace, flow…to name a few.  No wonder we value cooperation so highly!

So wouldn’t it be nice to get more of it? I’m going to share with you ways to increase cooperation in family life.  But first, let’s look at what we actually mean when we use the term.

“Cooperate” comes from the Latin roots “co” meaning “together” and “operari” meaning “to work,” so cooperate means “to work together.”  But if we are honest with ourselves, we may find that what we mean when we say, “I just wish my kid would cooperate!” is more accurately expressed as, “I just wish my kid would do what I told him to do….and be pleasant as he’s doing it!”  In this sense, what we’re really wishing for is “compliance”…not “cooperation.”  (The word “compliance” comes from the Latin word “complire,” meaning to “fill up” or “full fill,” as in fulfill a wish or request.)

Here’s the deal:  if we want cooperation from our kids, then we must be willing to look at our responsibility for the “co” part.  How much are we willing to work together for the common good?  How open are we to hearing what works not just for us, but for our kids as well?  Here’s where we can influence how much cooperation we receive from our kids–it’s directly related to how much cooperation we’re willing to give.

If we remember that children learn primarily through modeling, then how much are we modeling cooperation for them?  How often do we check in with them to see if what we are doing, where we are going, or what we are requesting of them actually works for them too?  Or do we just drag them along on our self-focused errands, overschedule them so they have little down time, request of them to do what we want when we want it, and expect them to go along with it willingly and pleasantly?  And when they push back, “acting out” needs that are not met for them, do we label them uncooperative?

Who’s really the uncooperative one?

I’m not saying this to make you feel guilty or to suggest permissive parenting where you forget what you want and cater only to your child.  I’m hoping to increase your awareness that your child has her own agenda and timeline and her own needs.  I’m hoping to inspire you to find that middle way…that mutual place of working together that secures a firm attachment with your child and bolsters a solid relationship that stands the test of time.

If you’re willing to look at your part in the dance, then here are a few ways to immediately increase the “co” in cooperation:

1.  In interactions with your child, imagine you are talking to someone you admire and respect (I often imagine Mother Teresa).  Would you choose your words more carefully?  Would your tone change?  Would you be more willing to collaborate?  Would you make a request rather than a demand?

2.  The next time you make a request of your child, ask him, “Does that work for you?” and be willing to have a dialogue and open to hearing his voice, even if he says no.  Explore what would work for both of you.

3.  Ask your child for her input before making decisions that affect her.  Everyone wants to know that they matter.

4.  Give your child choices.  If the task is to “work together” to prepare dinner and you ask him to set the table, give him some wiggle room on when…would you like to do it now, or after you shoot some basketballs?   If it’s time to take some dreaded medicine, ask her how she’d like it?….in a spoon, or stirred in some juice?  At bedtime… would you like to brush your teeth first, or put on pajamas?

5.  When your child makes a request of you…listen, and, if it doesn’t work for you, don’t just say no.  Acknowledge the importance of it, let him know why it doesn’t work for you, and explore other options that might work for both of you.  Let him know what he wants is valued.

I invite you to give it a try.  I think you will find the more you model and inspire cooperation, the more you will receive it in return.  Let me know how it goes by commenting here.

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When your child comes home in tears because someone was “mean” to them at school, the first line of defense is to listen to their outpouring of feelings and allow them to feel them….fully.  This is quite hard to do.  It’s heartbreaking for us as parents to be with our child’s painful feelings.  We just want to fix it for them, smooth it over and make sure that it never happens again.  But if we can just be with our child and let the tears fall (without trying to fix it), this is great medicine in and of itself.  Having someone to listen to them in this way, feeling fully heard and understood, will help your child develop inner strength and resiliency.  This simple, but healing, act of listening will help instill in them that they can weather life’s storms and come out okay.

Once your child feels fully heard and understood, you can help them brainstorm ways that they can “respond” to hurtful words or actions, rather than “react” emotionally or with their own damaging words.  Help your child come up with some key phrases that will help to protect her from the impact of a hurtful comment.  Some phrases may be, “That’s not nice and I’m not going to listen any more” (and she turns or moves away).  Or “It’s not okay to talk to me that way” (and she turns or moves away).  If the phrases and disengagement don’t work, then it’s time to get a teacher or adult involved.

While it’s helpful to teach our children tools so they can “stand up for themselves,” no child should have to go through this alone.  It’s our responsibility as parents, teachers, and adult mentors, to support our children in tough times and to model for them how to deal with others who have hurt us.  Usually, the impulse is to judge the “mean” child for their behavior and punish them for their wrongs.  But I believe this perpetuates the problem.  It adds another layer of blame and shame to what the “mean” child is already feeling, which is causing the behavior in the first place.  

I believe that a hurt-ful child is a hurt-filled child.  When a child’s needs are being met, they are loving and kind and have no need to act out in a hurtful way.  When one child is mean to another, there is something bigger going on below the surface, there are some needs that are not being met.  When we set up supportive systems (like peer mediation or restorative circles) in our families, schools, and other institutions to address this bigger issue of unmet needs, then we will start to see this type of behavior fade.

So instead of punishment for the “mean” girl, I would want her also to know that she is loved and cared about even after the harm she has done. I would want a loving adult in her life to sit with her and listen to what is going on for her to cause her to act out in this way.  And to help her understand what needs of hers she is trying to meet with such behavior and guide her to find better strategies to get those needs met with less cost to others (and to herself).  No one feels good being mean.

Here’s an illustration of how I used this approach with a similar situation in my family.  Recently, my son made an inappropriate attempt at humor by writing some text below another person’s photo and sending it out on Instagram.  Someone showed the Instagram to the person who was in the photo and that person was not amused and sent us (the parents) an email. 

Before I approached my son about it, I thought about my intentions.  I got clear that I wanted my son to learn how his actions affect others (especially how widespread the effect can be in today’s electronic world) and I wanted to give him a chance to restore his honor, to come back to his best self.  Above all, I wanted him to know that he is loved and cared about even when he makes mistakes.  And that he can count on me to support him through the uncomfortable and awkward stage of restitution—as he repairs the harm he has caused another and as he restores his own honor to himself.

I was very satisfied with our conversation.  Because I didn’t approach him with judgment and punishment, he didn’t become defensive.  He knew it was a stupid mistake and he sincerely regretted that his actions had caused embarrassment and hurt.  He sent an email to the person in the photo apologizing for sending the Instagram and for not thinking through how hurtful it might be.  The person in the photo responded with a very sweet email in return.  As far as I know, the hurt was repaired on both sides…and some valuable life lessons were learned to boot.

I’m reminded of a story I read in Alan Cohen’s book, Living from the Heart.  Here’s an excerpt which captures beautifully how, instead of punishing, we can love others back to their best self:

When a woman in a certain African tribe knows she is pregnant, she goes out into the wilderness with a few friends and together they pray and meditate until they hear the song of the child. They recognize that every soul has its own vibration that expresses its unique flavor and purpose. When the women attune to the song, they sing it out loud. Then they return to the tribe and teach it to everyone else. When the child is born, the community gathers and sings the child’s song to him or her.

Later, when the child enters education, the village gathers and chants the child’s song. When the child passes through the initiation to adulthood, the people again come together and sing. At the time of marriage, the person hears his or her song. Finally, when the soul is about to pass from this world, the family and friends gather at the person’s bed, just as they did at their birth, and they sing the person to the next life.

In the African tribe there is one other occasion upon which the villagers sing to the child. If at any time during his or her life, the person commits a crime or aberrant social act, the individual is called to the center of the village and the people in the community form a circle around them. Then they sing their song to them. The tribe recognizes that the correction for antisocial behavior is not punishment; it is love and the remembrance of identity.

When you recognize your own song, you have no desire or need to do anything that would hurt another. A friend is someone who knows your song and sings it to you when you have forgotten it. Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused.

May we all be surrounded by family and friends who know our song and who will sing it to us when we need it the most.

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Memorial for Sandy Hook victims

Even as the New Year dawns and I’m teased with new beginnings and bright possibilities, I’m also still mourning how the Old Year concluded with the terrible tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School.  I find that I keep vacillating between tears and numbness; I can only hold so much sorrow and despair before I have to shut down for a while and not feel. Then slowly, the sadness and grief return.

What has touched me most in this ordeal is reading about Adam’s mom, Nancy, and how it appears she was so isolated while dealing with her son’s increasingly extreme social withdrawal. Aside from a few conversations with casual friends, it appears that she faced her uncertainties, worries, and hard choices alone.  Her acquaintances are quick to describe her as happy and cheerful, but I imagine a different Nancy Lanza living behind the closed doors of her big beautiful home in Newtown.  I imagine a mom who desperately wanted her son to “fit in” and who was sick with worry about how to reach him as he slipped away, receding further and further into his own world.

This breaks my heart because it hits close to home for me. When my son was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder and we were dealing with some pretty severe behaviors day in and day out and I, too, felt he was slipping away, there were times when I thought I would lose my mind.  If I hadn’t had a couple good friends around me to hear my painful stories, to witness my struggles and to just be there to love me through it, I don’t know how it would have turned out. (Thank you Faye and Donna!) What I learned from that experience is it’s easy to become isolated when you have a “problem” child.  It’s hard to find sitters and play dates and friends who will go the distance with you.

I see this isolation often as I work with parents who have children with challenging behaviors, whether it’s violent outbursts or extreme social withdrawal.  It’s easy to wag a finger at the parent and find fault with their parenting.  It’s easy to give well-meaning advice of just do this, and that should solve the problem.  But unless you’ve ever lived with a child who doesn’t respond the same way as a “normal” child to “traditional” parenting techniques, then I’m here to tell you, “You don’t have a clue!”  What these parents need is not finger-wagging and advice, but compassion and acceptance, so that they feel like part of the human family again.

We can second-guess Nancy and think, “if only she had done this, that, or the other,” and we can blame her for taking Adam to shooting ranges and teaching him to fire a gun—just like we can judge the actions or inactions of other parents who have “weird” or “unruly” or “bully” kids.   But I don’t think fault-finding helps anyone.  I think it fuels the shame and fear of judgment that parents of children who are “different” often feel.  And shame and fear is what keeps these parents and families isolated.  What I would like to see is for us to love and support the Nancy Lanzas in our communities–the parents who are struggling with family life, often very much alone.

If only I could get in a time machine and reach out to Nancy before this awful tragedy, I would ask her, “You seem worried.  What’s going on?  How can I help?  What do you need?”  I would listen with my whole heart and I would hold a safe non-judgmental space for her to share her struggles, and to begin to heal.  Because I know when parents heal their own pain, they can help their children to heal too.  When parents receive compassion and acceptance themselves, they can extend the same to their children…and there’s a lot of children out there starving for compassion and acceptance.

As a parenting educator/coach, I’ve seen the power of a group of parents who come together to support each other.  A foundation of my classes is developing empathic listening, so parents are paired up and spend time outside of class just listening to each other.  Not giving advice, not trying to fix or console, but just listening. The parents are always astounded at how much this simple practice supports them.  As one mom recently said, “My friends and I talk all the time about parenting stuff, but this is a different quality of listening.  The word that comes to mind is transformative.”

Who knows what kind of ripple effect a supportive listening ear would have made for Nancy and possibly many other lives?  Would it have been enough to change the trajectory of what was to come?  It’s too late to know the answer in regards to Nancy Lanza, but there are many struggling, exhausted parents out there right now who need our support—perhaps it’s your neighbor, perhaps it’s your sister-in-law, perhaps it’s you.

My vision is a world where we create emotionally-safe, judgment-free communities where parents can come together,  share their struggles, be accepted no matter what is happening or how they are handling it, and be supported and nurtured by each other.  If this sounds like the kind of community you would like to be a part of, I invite you to join me in this quest and reach out to a parent who is struggling in your community today.
Rest in peace…Nancy, Allison, Ana Grace, Anne Marie, Avielle, Benjamin, Caroline, Catherine, Charlotte, Chase, Daniel, Dawn, Dylan, Emilie, Grace, Jack, James, Jesse, Jessica, Josephine, Lauren, Madeleine, Mary, Noah, Olivia Rose, Rachel, Victoria, and Adam.

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What is your reaction when your two-year-old throws herself on the floor kicking and screaming in the store aisle because she wants that new toy?  Or how about when your two children are fighting over whose turn it is to send the hotwheel cars down the track?

 Often, we are so caught up in the undesirable behavior that we just want to do whatever it takes to make it stop. We may try to stifle our children’s feelings because they are too intense, too much, too embarrassing.  Big scary feelings can be hard to invite in. And if it’s hard for us as  parents, imagine what it’s like for our kids.  Often they have no understanding of the emotion (energy in motion) coursing through their bodies.  Who has ever asked them, “What’s going on for you? Help me to understand?” 

 What if you could be that “understander” for your child? For starters, you could pause, take a deep breath and say to yourself, I can handle this calmly and with love.  And then get down on the floor with your child and those big feelings and say, “Wow you seem really really frustrated right now.  You really want that toy.  It’s okay to be upset.  I’ll stay here with you.”  Notice I’m not saying that you give in and buy the toy; rather, you allow your child to feel whatever she is feeling with no blame, shame, or guilt.

When my two boys were younger and used to fight a lot, I would sometimes have to put myself between them to keep them safe.  They would be raging on either side of me trying to get to the other one, and  I would shout something like, “You are sooooo mad right now.  You just want to hurt your brother.  But this feeling will fade.  It’s just energy going through your body.  If you can bear with it just a few minutes, it will fade and then you can work this out.”  Once they started to calm down, I would say, “It won’t always be this way.  I know you guys will figure out a better way to work things out.”  Perhaps I said that last piece for my own sanity, but eventually they did figure out how to be together without the physical fighting. 

The message I wanted to impart to them is that feelings are a natural part of life. It’s okay to feel our feelings. Feelings come and feelings go. What’s not okay is to hit someone because you are mad at them.  When we allow our children to feel intense emotions without blame or shame and when we help them understand and name the feelings, it allows them to release that energy from their bodies. This reduces the stress state and helps them to be able to think more clearly and make better choices.

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The shift to a power-sharing parenting paradigm can be mind-boggling and a lot of inside resistance can come up.  it usually goes like this, “If I open that can of worms, if I let my child have some power in making decisions that affect him, then all hell will break loose and I’ll never get back any control.”

So you start white-knuckling it, trying to keep control at all costs.  And, eventually, it does come at a cost.  They don’t stay young and pliable forever.  And that’s if you’re lucky enough to start out with a compliant child.  I didn’t start with a compliant child so my learning came early and quick!  Within the first year I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that control was just an illusion.  Once I loosened my grip on that illusion, things started to shift for the better.

There are sometimes very good reasons not to share power.  But I believe that are more good reasons to share power with our kids, starting when they are young.  Allowing them to have choice and leadership in their lives (within safe limits) in ever larger doses as they age, instills in them confidence that they can manage their lives, make decisions–even bad ones–and bounce back when they make mistakes.  It instills in them a knowing that what they think and need matters in this world.  This inner trust in themselves (or the lack of it) will be their guide into adulthood and will impact every relationship they have, especially the one with themselves.

There are too many grown-ups walking around today with this harsh voice inside that says things like, “You’re not worthy.  You’re not enough.  You’re not loveable because you are flawed.  You don’t really matter.”  Wouldn’t it be nice if our kids grow up to hear a different voice inside, a nurturing one that says things like, “I’m not perfect but I’m still worthy and loveable.  I am enough; I don’t have to be something I’m not.  I matter.  I have the power to create the life I want.” 

How do they learn this power and how to manage it if we never give it to them?  Or if they have to fight so hard for it that they never learn the give and take of sharing power with others?  I don’t have the “right” answer, but I sure do love the questions!  We encourage our children to share with others.  Are we modeling the same when it comes to power?

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It’s 2 am in the morning and you’ve finally gotten the baby back to sleep after more than an hour of nursing, rocking, walking, and trying various baby holding positions. 

Or… it’s 2 am in the morning and your teenage son, who was supposed to be home by midnight, is just now sauntering through the door.

As badly as you just want to crawl back in bed, you also know you can’t go through another night like this one.  So you tiptoe downstairs to the computer, type in “Amazon” and “parenting books” and voila! 105,924 books on parenting show up.  Each one promising the solution to your problem.  So you order a dozen or so and hit “overnight shipping!”

The problem is, even if you somehow find the time to read the books, you will start to notice a curious thing–they contradict each other.  One says it’s okay to let a baby cry himself to sleep.  The other says always respond to the cry.  One says set strict rules and clear consequences and the other says talk to your child, find out what he’s feeling and needing.  Each parenting expert has his or her own tips, techniques, methods, routines, and philosophies that promise to solve your problems.

From the moment we bring the baby home, we are perpetually looking for that elusive instruction manual.  And if we could only find it, then everything would be alright, we’d get through it and we’d know what to do. 

 Well, guess what?  The manual doesn’t exist and still everything will be alright and we’ll get through it even if we don’t know the perfect thing to do. So much of parenting is going with your gut, trying something and if it doesn’t work, trying something else. 

In today’s world of information overload, we seemingly have all the “answers” at our fingertips and to be sure, there’s lots of very beneficial advice, techniques, philosophies and inspirations out there.  The downside though is that when we become overly reliant on information outside of ourselves, we can quickly lose our parenting intuition and inner guidance. 

 It’s easy to do and it’s tragic.  If you’ve fallen into this trap, here’s 5 ways you can reclaim your power as your child’s parenting expert.

 1.  Put the books back on the shelves (for a while anyway).  Just be present with your child.  Get to know her.  Notice what she likes and what she doesn’t like.  What interests her.  What makes her scared, or sad, or happy.  The best way to do this is to listen.  Listen way more than you talk.  In fact, you have the right to remain silent.  I dare you to try it just to see if you can do it!

2.  Whether it’s whining, temper tantrums, waking at night, picky eating, or sibling fighting…when you feel triggered by your child’s behavior, take a step back and get a bigger perspective.  Noticing what triggers you and what your habitual reaction to it is will help you decide if you want to parent on auto-pilot or if you want to have a more thoughtful response to the behavior.  What’s happening may look so important right now and you may want it to STOP.  But in the big picture, does it matter if your child lies on the floor in Kroger for awhile and kicks and screams while you are present with him and his big feelings, or if he refuses to eat anything with burnt edges?  Will it really kill his chances of being president some day?

 3.  Be flexible, creative and open to new ideas.  All children are different. Just when you’ve finally figured out this parenting thing with your first child, your second one comes along and unravels that tightly knit sweater of parenting confidence you were wearing.  Nothing you’ve painstakingly learned works with her. You have to figure out a whole new parenting paradigm for this kid. The same thing happens as your children mature and develop.  You better be ready to roll with the changes and adjust your parenting practice.  Parenting is not a static thing; it’s an ever evolving convoluted dynamic chaotic growth opportunity in perpetuity.  Which is to say it’s eternally fun!

4.  Not every problem has to be solved.  If you’re mindful, you will find that balance of what must be dealt with now and what can wait.  I can almost guarantee you that your child will not be crawling into your bed in the middle of the night when he is 13.  She will not be insisting that you cut the crust off the bread and don’t let the peas touch the carrots when she is 22.  Time will take care of a lot of things.  Don’t add a layer of suffering.  This too shall pass.  In the meantime, have some fun and enjoy your kids!

5.  Take care of yourself or find someone who will.  The best parents know that the secret to being able to actually implement all the wonderful things you discover and learn as you become a parenting expert is to take good care of yourself.  When you are rested and healthy and your cup is full of love and vitality, it’s much easier to give these things to your children and to parent in alignment with your parenting integrity.  If you don’t trust you’ll  take good care of yourself, then all you have to do is find and marry someone who is totally devoted 100% to your happiness and wellbeing.  (sigh….)

It’s okay to share your “expertise” with other parents and support each other in finding ways to make parenting as peaceful, easy and joyful as possible.  Some parenting “experts” have experience in working with lots of parents and they may have some insights that will be helpful.  By all means, seek them out, learn from them.  Try this, try that.  And run everything through your own parenting filter. Take what is helpful and leave the rest. 

When I work with parents, I consider myself a “facilitator” because my goal is to facilitate each parent’s uncovering of their own inner wisdom.  It’s there.  It’s never not been.  The only time I consider myself a parenting expert is with my own kids.   And you are the parenting expert with yours.  Take back your power and unleash your parenting “guru” within.

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I don’t believe there is a parent on the planet who hasn’t heard the word “no” coming from their child’s lips.  It seems that almost as soon as they learn to speak, this word becomes a mainstay for kids.  Particularly during those early years, when they are discovering they have their own preferences and testing the limits with how far they can go in making their own choices. 

Often, our impulse is to get them to change their minds.  We try to get them to say yes to our requests through convincing, cajoling, or coercing.  We persuade, we try to reason and when all else fails, we either use power over them or we give up, we submit.  Power struggles are very common when our child says “no!”

What if there was a better way to respond when you hear a “no”?   A response that discharges the power struggles and leads to connection with your child instead?  Well, guess what?  There is and it’s simple.  You just have to hear the “yes” behind the “no.”  Would you like to give it a try?

Here’s how it works. The next time your child says “no” to a request you have made,  listen for what she is saying “yes” to instead.  For example, if you ask your child to pick up the toys and put them in the toy chest, and she says “no,” perhaps she is saying “yes” to playing longer.  Or “yes” to deciding for herself when she will pick up the toys.  Or “yes” to ease and efficiency.  Make a guess and see if it’s right. 

“When I hear you say ‘no,’ I wonder if you want to play a little longer?”  If  you guess wrong, she’s likely to let you know and give you more information, such as, ”I’m just going to get them out again in the morning.”  Go with the new information and guess again, “So you want it to be easy in the morning and have your toys right here on the floor ready to play?”  “Yes!”  Surely you can relate to that “yes”; aren’t there times when you want ease and efficiency in your life?

Now that you know what she’s saying yes to, validate her yes.  “That would be so easy, wouldn’t it?  To walk in here in the morning and everything is right here, ready to play!”  With this new understanding maybe leaving the toys on the floor will work for you.  Or maybe it still won’t.  Maybe you have a need for order so you can relax at bedtime.  Maybe you’re concerned that someone will trip on the toys and get hurt. 

Then you can share with her what you are saying “yes” to.  “I understand that would make it easier for you when you come in to play in the morning, not having to get the toys out again.  And I will be up later than you tonight and would like the room to look nice.  When things are in their place, it helps me to relax.  I’d like to be able to walk through the room without tripping.” 

When you share the “yes” behind your request, you allow your child to consider if she wants to contribute to making life more wonderful for you.  You are planting a seed in her, which, if watered gently over time, will blossom into consideration and regard for others. She will learn not to do something just because she is told to do it, but because she is in touch with her natural capacity to contribute to others.

Perhaps she will choose to pick up the toys because she knows it will help you relax.  Or perhaps she will still insist on leaving them out.  Don’t worry; your child’s capacity to care for others grows over time with lots of practice.  If the latter is the case, you can still water that seed of consideration in her by modeling it for her.  You lay all the “yeses” out on the table to be considered and together you brainstorm how to make it work for both of you.  “I hear you want it to be easy to start playing right away in the morning and I want the room to look nice and not have to worry about tripping over toys.  What can we do?”

First let her explore ideas and then offer your ideas if needed.  This will help her develop the skill of collaborative problem-solving.  You just might be surprised at the creative ideas that bubble up from both of you.  “How about I put my toys on this blanket and slide it over in this corner?” 

“Thanks for trying that.  Hmmmm, it still doesn’t look tidy enough for me.  I really enjoy looking at an uncluttered room.  How about we bundle the toys up in the blanket and put it inside the toy chest?  That way, it will be easy to pull it out in the morning and lay it back on the floor.  Will you try that?”  Thus begins the dialogue, the connection, the consideration of everyone’s input.

It can become a game, guessing at the “yes” behind the “no.”  The more you can develop your curiosity and the less you take the “no” as a rejection of your request, the more joyful your interactions with your child will be around that dreaded word. 

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During my parenting classes I hand out slips of paper to each parent for them to fill in.  On the piece of paper it reads:

“Dear _____, I want to support you in building healthy self-worth.  For you are loveable and you are valuable.  One thing I will do every day this week to spend quality engaging time with you is: ________________.  I will make time for this because you matter to me.” 

This is an attempt to get the parents to think concretely about things they can do with their children to build connection and nurture the relationship.  It’s easy enough to think, “Oh, I will pay more attention to my children this week.”  But–unless you can concretely visualize doing that in your mind and you set a strong intention–daily living, responsibilities and distractions tend to get in the way.  I encourage parents to fill in the slips of paper (one for each child) and put them on the refrigerator or the bathroom mirror or somewhere where they are daily reminded of their intention to connect and nurture.

One mom reported at the next meeting that initially she was a little confused when I gave her one for her new baby.   She had no trouble envisioning activities she could do with her 4 year old (like reading a book together, creating dinner together, going to the park with their bikes) but what can I do with a baby? she wondered.  

After some thought, she decided to give it try.  She wrote “Dear Samuel, I want to support you in building healthy self-worth.  For you are loveable and you are valuable.  One thing I will do every day this week to spend quality engaging time with you is: to look into your eyes while you are nursing.  I will make time for this because you matter to me.” 

She reported that when she started doing this, looking into her baby’s eyes instead of doing other tasks (like checking emails) while he nursed, that she felt a sweet connection with her baby who also gazed up into his mother’s eyes.  She also noticed what a difference it made in her, as her body relaxed, as her mind enjoyed a peaceful moment, and as she let the responsibilities of the day fade into the background.  The moment became  just about mother and baby, connecting and bonding. The shift helped her to connect with herself and with her baby and she came to enjoy these precious nursing breaks in her day, instead of seeing them as a necessity that got in the way of doing other things.

Haven’t most of us been there before?  Overwhelmed as parents and multi-tasking to get things done? I can clearly remember standing at the stove stirring a pot with one hand, holding a nursing baby with the other, while talking on the phone which was wedged between my neck and ear.  Really?  How much would it have cost me in time if I had put the pot on simmer, told my friend that I would call her back, and sat down in the comfy chair with my baby and gazed into his eyes as he nursed?  Did I really save that much time by doing it all at once?  And more importantly, did I lose something with that choice….like a moment of sweet connection and bonding and a message with my eyes that said, “I will make time for this because you matter to me.”

I invite you to look at the choices you are making today.  What messages do they send to your child?

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I had a unique experience today which I believe will serve me well in my journey to become a more conscious parent.  Actually, I imagine it will help me in ALL my relationships, even the one with myself.  I was looking back over some notes I took at a workshop where the presenter talked about how our entire perspective can shift based on where we choose to place our attention.  You know the drill, do we see the glass as half full or half empty?  Depends on where we place our attention, right? 

Well I decided to do my own experiment as I was sitting in my easy chair in the living room reading through my notes.  I looked around the room and placed my attention on everything I could see that was “wrong” with the room.  All the things that I didn’t like about it.  And here’s what I noticed:  This room is too cluttered.  Look at all the stuff on those shelves!  Look at all the shoes piled in the corner; there must be 36 pairs of shoes in there!  The glass doors to the sunroom are hand smudged; I can see fingerprints from here.  And there’s a hole in the sunroom window screen.  There’s the baskets I bought just sitting on the floor.  I’ve never taken the time to rearrange the shelves and put them on there.  There’s the space on the shelf where the TV used to be; and there’s a hole in the wall where the back of the TV went and it’s patched with posterboard.  Jeez!  The couch slipcover is falling off.  I’ve never gotten around to getting new curtains and decorative pillows since the room was painted.   The new rugs already have dog hairs all over them.   And what kind of centerpiece is that for the mantel?:   a McDonald’s hamburger and french fries?! 
(Sidenote:  The kids and I saw a youtube video where someone saved a McDonald’s Happy Meal for 4 years and it didn’t spoil, rot, or get moldy!  So we bought one too.  Our Happy Meal will celebrate its first birthday next month and although it has gotten hard, it pretty much looks the same as it did about a year ago. It’s aging better than I am and the experiment occupies a place of honor on our fireplace mantel where it’s a real conversation starter… but that’s another story…)

Want to know how I was feeling after taking this visual inventory?  I was bummed!  I wanted to throw everything out and start from scratch.   I felt yucky sitting in my easy chair in that horrible room. 

Okay…Phase 2 of the experiment:  I closed my eyes and took 3 deep breaths.  I still felt yucky.  I took 7 more breaths.  And then I opened my eyes and I placed my attention on everything I liked about the room.  I love those shelves.  There’s plenty of room for books and more books.  And look at all those shoes!  My kids are so blessed to have so many to choose from:  basketball shoes, baseball cleats, tennis shoes, sandals, slip-ons, crocs.  How much of the world goes barefoot?  And here my kids have a shoe for everything they do, including doing nothing!  Those wicker baskets are going to look fabulous when I get those shelves rearranged.  And I bet if I put a basket right there on that shelf, it will hide the hole in the wall  where the TV was.  Isn’t it nice not to have a TV in the living room anymore?  Now when we’re together in the living room, we’re really together.   I love the new light color on the walls.  It has really brightened up the room.  Just look at all that light that comes in from the sunroom windows.  I can see through the wall of windows out into the trees.  It’s so green and alive!  And the new sisal rugs, they’ve really added natural texture to the room.  I actually like how the 16-year-old sofa was transformed by a slipcover when it just wasn’t in the budget to buy a new couch.  Look at that unique centerpiece!  I bet no one else has that on their mantel… if anyone gets hungry, there’s a burger and fries within easy reach!

I had to smile after this new inventory.  I loved my room!  It was bright and cozy and well…lived in.  The shift inside me was amazing.  Absolutely nothing about my external environment had changed, but now I really enjoyed and appreciated my room and all its reminders of family around me.

What if I applied this to my parenting?  What if I chose to place my attention on what I love and appreciate about my children?   What if I actively noticed and what if I expressed it to them?  What if I noticed all the things I love and appreciate about my spouse?  My parents?  My colleagues?  The man who carefully arranges my Subway sub?  The cashier who scans my groceries?  What if I noticed what I love and appreciate about myself?  How might my world change?

That’s my assignment for the coming weeks.  Anyone want to join me?

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Next week my kids go off to school and as always, the bittersweet nostalgia sets in.  I so enjoy the summer months and spending more time with my kids.  I so look forward to school starting again so I can regain some focus on work, some peace and quiet, and some “normalcy” to our days and schedules.

This year my older son goes to high school and I am humbled by my relative lack of influence on his choices.  Gone are the days when I could share my values with him while he sat intently listening, asking questions, and formulating his own ideas and opinions—which pretty much mimicked my own.  Now I worry that our values seem so far apart.  Our priorities so different.  Our attempts at resolving conflicts messy and requiring lots of effort and self-empathy. 

At 14, he is just entering those murky waters of the teen years.  Already we’ve wrestled with some big issues that could easily shake even a sturdy foundation.  I’m often gripped by fear when I observe behavior I label “risky,” “dangerous,” “self-destructive.”  I constantly walk a fine line between honoring his needs for autonomy, expression, and freedom and my needs for trust, safety and his wellbeing.  I seem to constantly be in the mode of relationship repair.  Conscious parenting is not for the faint-hearted.

And still there is comfort in knowing that we can repair the relationship when the connection breaks.  We do know a way back and have found it many times.  I’ve worked with families where the chasm in their connection is so wide that it can seem quite hopeless to build a bridge across.  And yet I know that certain conscious parenting processes, like Parenting From Your Heart and Connection Parenting, can support families in establishing, repairing, and maintaining trust and connection.  Even in those difficult teen years. 

Compared to other processes, conscious parenting may take more time and effort.  It’s often easier to use power-over, especially when the kids are young, to get the behavior and “cooperation” we want.  But just try “counting to three” with a teenager or forcing a teenager to sit in “timeout.”  I think you’ll find those behavior modification techniques are short-lived and buy you a little extra time at best. At worst, they tend to be disconnecting and alienating, the antithesis of relationship-building.

The work of conscious parenting, of building a relationship with your child based on mutual respect and trust, is harder and takes more time.  You often don’t see results right away.  It may take weeks or months or even years to build the trust.  Why would you want to put that much time and effort into it?  Because keeping the focus on relationship rather than behavior allows the process to grow as you and your child grow (not just in age, but also in consciousness and skills).  Behavior modification techniques come and go according to the latest trend or parenting guru.  A connecting relationship between you and your child transcends all ages, developmental stages, trends and “experts.”   Keeping the door open to communication and connection serves the relationship when your child is a toddler and carries over into when your child grows into an adult.  A solid relationship built of mutual respect and trust provides a strong sturdy foundation that lasts a lifetime!  I mean, way past the teen years.  Isn’t that worth the extra effort?

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Parenting coaching, first and foremost, is a relationship.   The coach/client relationship enhances your ability to learn, make changes, and achieve desired goals. The coaching process leads you through a systematic framework that helps you to clarify your objectives, explore new options, make decisions and become accountable to act on your choices.

Often, coaching begins with choosing what areas you want to focus on in your family.  Are you experiencing challenges with “temper tantrums,”  sibling squabbling, defiant teenagers?  Are you wanting more connection and fun with your kids, more ease in your daily interactions, or more respect?  Focusing on your areas of concern, you use the coaching framework to set goals, create action items, and make commitments to change.  Together with your coach, you brainstorm strategies, analyze what worked and what didn’t, celebrate successes and receive encouragement and support to move forward toward your goals.

Your parenting coach holds your vision for your family and keeps you connected to it, even when the going gets tough.  Often your coach, as an outsider looking in, can provide an honest assessment and will challenge you to bring out the best in you.  With your parenting coach at your side, you will have the support you need to reach your parenting potential and create the family life you desire.

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Yippeee!  I just finished writing my chapter for the forthcoming ebook anthologized by Academy for Coaching Parents International.  It took way longer than I had expected and I hope this writing thing gets easier and quicker as I do more and more of it.   I’d like to share an excerpt with you and would love to hear your thoughts.  What is the foundation for your relationship with your child(ren)?

Nurturing Connecting Through Setting Your Intentions excerpt:

               When it comes to building a strong connection, there are no shortcuts. Connection is the foundation of your relationship.   It requires awareness, intention, practice, and commitment—and all of this rests with you.  Connection doesn’t require your child to behave a certain way and it doesn’t require you to be a perfect parent.  It does, however, require you to be aware of how you habitually react to your child’s behavior and to have an understanding of how to effectively respond.

                When  you’re experiencing turbulence in your relationship or you’re feeling disconnected, notice what’s going on inside of you:

• Are you trying to understand what is going on for your child? 
• Are you offering compassion? 
• Is your motive to correct, coerce, or punish? 

                Understanding and compassion lead to connection. Correction, coercion and punishment can lead to disconnection and discord.  Through coercive tactics you may be able to temporarily modify behavior, but in the long run, coercion erodes the parent-child bond and teaches your child to behave a certain way out of fear, guilt or shame.  Understanding and compassion, on the other hand, nurtures the parent-child bond and your child’s natural willingness to cooperate and contribute.

                So how do you nurture connection with your child during tense moments?  The most important thing you can do is to pause and  focus on your intention before you speak or react.

                When you pause, take the opportunity to remember how it feels when you are in close relationship with those you love.  For example, consider the kind of connection you feel when a friend really listens to you, not just gives you a nod of the head, but listens deeply, asking questions to be sure she understands what you’re saying.  It’s that warm feeling you get when your partner genuinely wants your input in a decision that will affect you both.  It’s the  tenderness you feel when you’ve made a regrettable mistake and instead of saying, “I told you so,” your friend empathizes with how embarrassed you feel.

                When real connection occurs,  deep needs are being met. Whether it is the need to be heard, the need to be considered or the need for empathy and understanding, connection meets needs.  And acting and speaking with the intention of meeting  needs is how you nurture connection and nourish relationship.  When you focus on your intention to connect, you are seeing the big picture of your relationship. 

                Connection doesn’t happen overnight and isn’t even always present from the moment of birth. Connection builds over time as trust is established and openness is embraced.  Once the foundation of your relationship has been laid and you’ve established a quality connection with your child, the ups and downs of daily living become more manageable and less stressful.  When this happens, teaching and modeling the behavior you desire is better received by your child.  

Watch for the ebook coming soon to my blogsite!

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A parent coach is a trained and certified professional who helps you achieve your goals in creating a fulfilling family life.
As your coach, I will help you clarify what you want to accomplish, set specific goals and make an effective action plan.  I provide you with support, structure, perspective and techniques as we move through the coaching process together.  I am your best cheerleader!  My job also is to hold you accountable for making progress toward meeting your goals.

Parent coaching is inspirational, educational and practical.
We will discover together how much you already know about how to create a healthy home life.  In the occasional “need to know” moment, I will provide skills training in a practical way, so you can use new concepts and skills right away and apply them to your situation.  Coaching is designed to unlock and maximize your parenting potential.

Parent coaching is transformational and beneficial.
The focus of coaching is achieving your goals in parenting and communicating with family members.  We will identify specific plans and ways of thinking that will move you toward achieving your desired goals.  Since our focus will be on the present and the future, we will usually not direct our attention to past issues or missteps.  However, an outcome of coaching is often that healing old history does take place.

The structure of coaching is flexible.
We will design a coaching arrangement that meets your individual needs and schedule.  The basic design consists of:

• an intake interview
• an intial session to create a coaching strategy
• regular on-going coaching sessions (usually by phone)

Coaching sessions are usually weekly or every other week, lasting for 50 minutes.  Sessions may be focused on one specific challenge you are facing, or on a much broader set of family issues.  Coaching relationships to make lasting change usually lasts from three to six months.  The nature of the goals and the changes you wish to make will determine the length of time that makes sense for you.

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I hope you find the blogs useful, helpful and inspiring and I look forward to hearing from you.

From my parentingheart to yours,
Sherri

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